Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
