My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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