he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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