someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did I end up in the pool?!
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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