She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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