These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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