Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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