I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
