He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
