your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
