Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
