My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
