Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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