while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
