i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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