So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
