im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
