I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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