I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
