Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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