You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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