I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
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while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just want nice things and good sex
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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