I want to stick my p in your. b.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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