i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
