my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
