My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
