The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
