yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
