Got a toothbrush?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
