Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
