i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
