dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
