Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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