I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Say something about gay babies.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
