Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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