On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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