his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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