You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
