The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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