your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
