this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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