pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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