I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
