I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
