Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
