I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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