he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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