I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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