She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
