So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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