I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
