he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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