You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
